4:55 p.m. 2004-03-12
picnics and potato salad
lately i can't quite shake off this feeling of failure that seems to haunt me at every turn. i feel like a failure as a friend, as a girlfriend, as an actress, and as a person who has so many huge dreams but never seems to make any of them into anything more than just that- a dream.
i feel so terrified that one day i'm going to look back and see what a waste i have made of my time and as a result of my life. and the worst part is that all of the things that i thought were so important in making me happy are turning out not to be and i am starting to think that maybe somewhere i made a mistake.
i'm too young for regrets- not to mention that it would contradict my belief that everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah...
if there was a way to tune out all of the voices around me and just focus on my own: what i really want and what i really think as opposed to what i have been trained to want and to think- i think that this whole process wouldn't be such a monsterous strain on my inner karma. is there a way to shut out all of those other voices?
maybe things are easier this way- but things have to get better. i can't help but think of the movie as good as it gets and wonder if maybe jack nickolson this IS as good as it gets.
i hope to god not.
